Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?

Good times.

Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats

I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.

Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly

Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.

me: thanks!

server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*

A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.

Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.

On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???

Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G

You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.

Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

*googles how the hell I ended up here*

please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s

Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk

coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!

me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

[first day as a cashier]

customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper

me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying

My dad is at it again

[planning heist]

leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?

me: that’s when I take my break too tho

Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

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“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair