Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

waiting for halloween be like:

What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?

It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

Today’s Times

me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you

scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.

Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…

Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

i will not be silenced

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works

I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.

An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!

[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST

I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.

Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

[inventing facebook]

Everyone: My family isn’t racist.

Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha

i’m still crying at this

Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.

me: want to go to the ice rink?

friend: i can’t stand ice skating

me: you’ll be able to with practice

don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face

Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s