Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.

WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?

India’s tiger population is up 30%!

#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.

If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.

Them: You should try keto
Me:

I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.

WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

*trying to write a journal article*

*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*

Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.

Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

ME: hey did u get my letter?

HER: No

ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now

HER: You mean carrier pigeon?

ME: lol what

babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.

bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99