Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: everything has bluetooth these days

dentist: no ya that’s not normal

That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls

Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left

I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well

Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.

Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no

I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

she has a point

*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*

[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?

F: ….

News: Hillary won the debate!

My friends: Bernie won the debate!

Trump: I won the debate!

Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!

Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

nurse: height

me: i’m 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.