Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.

16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”

My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.

Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit

Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.

When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

Just added something to my bucket list.

People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!

People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?

I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.

Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!

I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”

I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.

A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot

Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.

[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]

Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!

Mugger: OMG sing the rest