Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

British websites use biscuits.

People:

I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.

Nobody:

8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.

90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.

Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.

Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.

Me: wtf

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel

GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.

toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”

my father died in a conga line and so shall i

“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened

me: *filling up my car with gas*

guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank

me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

me: i want your honest opinion

friend: [gives honest opinion]

me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]

[restaurant]

ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police

What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?

Merry Christmas everyone

I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.