Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
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He’s dead
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.