Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?

The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.

damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously

When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

New word: Biscgret.

Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.

“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head

Beware…..

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

favorite tropes as memes