Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
You Might Also Like
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
This made me chuckle.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S