Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.

THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

“We’re taking it to another level.”

-escalators

Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!

Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”

If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach

I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.

The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.

mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight

me: for the cake

mob boss: what

me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

mob boss: that’s not what I-

me: it’s my birthday

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die

“Keep it in your pants!”

-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.

Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children

sweet dreams💖