Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.

every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.

[showing new guy around office]

Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.

New guy: He said the same about you, haha.

Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!

DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

Child: What’s a pandemic?

Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up

A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]

wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you

me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife

wife: on your coke though?

WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?

Me watching recorded TV shows

10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?

Me: Sure.

11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.

Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN

2019: Crowd surfing

2020: Channel surfing

Me: I love holding your hands

Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back

“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.