Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.

When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.

My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.

roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti

if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”

Once a lap dog, always a lap dog

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.

My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.

Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.

doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas

“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner

WIFE: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?

WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece

ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?

Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

*tries to be less adorable*

*fails*

im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”

[restaurant]

ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?