Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
You Might Also Like
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Cleaning your kids room will piss you off cause why is my Air Fryer in here.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment