Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m here for my photoshoot

X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

As the Lord intended

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

Word of the Day: No

Please use it in a sentence: No.

LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.

“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?

Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit

“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time

there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me

Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.