Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
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I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.