Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?

(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐

i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her

Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.

‘I want to gossip but professionally.’

– news anchors

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.

If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…

I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.

I call it Spock and Aww.

Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.

Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé

WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.

[later at the dinner party]

ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

911: 911, whats your emergency?

Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.

911: what’s your location?

Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.

911: can you spell that for me?

Man: (pause)

911: Sir?

Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back

BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.

I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.

If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it