Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
