Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content

-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!

My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today

6yo: Ok!

Me: *holy shit yessss*

7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD

Me: Right. Of course.

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.

“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.

You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.

An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.

A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.

Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.

The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.

*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”

Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀

2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.

My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”

“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”

Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆

Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.

Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.

Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.

Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios

Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*

Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me