Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
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[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?