Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?

WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.

Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.

people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like

*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job

Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.

Me: Damn you hate our house that much?

Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person

Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?

Hubs: Yes!!

The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*

Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶

Hey i am sexy to you now

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

Oh boy, $150,000!

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye

captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack

me: i have a BA in english

guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there

*first day as zookeeper

(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind

I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.

A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.