Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
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god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
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Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon