Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
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My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.