Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
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I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home