Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians

ME: *hand shoots up*

EXEC: NOT with velociraptors

ME: *hand drops down*

[watching Tangled with my Daughter]

Daughter: dada

Me: yes?

Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?

Me: I mean-I do now.

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.

Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.

Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

That 👊

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me

Therapist: That’s where I can help

Me: Great

Therapist: They don’t

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?

Me: Yep.

D: But how can you be so sure of that?

M: I’ve seen them in museums

D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.

I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.

Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.

There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-

coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.

Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.

LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while