Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
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how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?
Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?
Astrologer: no
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
The morning after pill, but for tweets
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own