Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
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[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I am yelling
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
This meal prepping shit is easy
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.