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@simoncholland

Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.

@Megatronic13

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

@drinksmcgee

[Speed Date]

Her: Hi! I’m Sus… wait… is that your dog with you?

*Dog sniffs her and turns to me, shaking his head*

Me: NEXT!!!!

@ipalatsky

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.

@Ivsy01

Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!

@C00LpenNAME

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

@HomeProbably

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

@angeliav68

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..