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Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.


Torturer: just tell me what I need know


Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk


[Speed Date]

Her: Hi! I’m Sus… wait… is that your dog with you?

*Dog sniffs her and turns to me, shaking his head*

Me: NEXT!!!!


An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.


Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!


They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops


My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”


The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..