Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

No flush

Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.

One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.

You get what you got last time.

Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.

My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.

This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?

Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.

Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.

Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies

My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.

The Bachelorette… but for cats.

Wife: why are you smiling?

[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]

Me: I was thinking about you.

In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal

In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz

stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him

at library

ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!

LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?

BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On

[gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok…

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio

10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

◾️

Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design

Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.

My daughter has an arch nemesis and I recently found a list of ideas she titled “get even”, and while we’re gonna have to rule out “eat his lunch” and “glue his hair” I think we can work with “beat him at football”

If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?

Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.