Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow

Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u

hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress

it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th

*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.

Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee

Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?

Silicon valley: no.

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date

ME: kill?

HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect

ME: we are talking out loud

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

me: you guys sell gift cards?

funeral parlor director: what?

Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?

Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-

Me: *slams door*

Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.

IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.

the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown

[Yelp Customer Review]

Bill’s Wild West Saloon

Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.

When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.