Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*

Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact

Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.

Accurate

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog:

Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.

My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

My dad is in Hawaii for travel…

i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries

Him: why do you keep poking me ?

Her: I’m looking for the mute button

When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.

School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –

kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf

Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time

Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute…