Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299

ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

[watching action movie]

*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*

me: damn, I bet that felt really good

*Meanwhile at a restaurant*

Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?

Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.

*Picks table and walks out*

I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.

You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.

If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”

8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.

The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.

A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.