Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this

I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.

I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.

Harry Potter at an interview

Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.

I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience

King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.

TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES

pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.

If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it

This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.

[first day as a peterinarian]

Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign

Me (petting dog): No.

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.

Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.

11,780 cans of beans on the wall…

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.