Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

Nurse: strip down to your underpants

Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.

What’s the point buying it then?

A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!

Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms

Me: Excuse me

Waiter: Yes?

M: The wine’s corked

W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed

M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager

*gets struck by lightning

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

how to exercise your calf muscles

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.

Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.

Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.

Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]

Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?

DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing

Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*

Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man

Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*

Me: touché