Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sleeping*

Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”

Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.

[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]

A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-

Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up

Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”

You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean

Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.

Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

“You heard the song I was playing?”

Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM

“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”

if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.

There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

we squint at the sun because it’s bright

we squint at people because they are not…

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator

My swear jar is having a very profitable week.

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good

Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.

Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!

shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

❒Single

❒Taken

✔ This claim is disputed!