Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
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Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.