Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!

Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking

Me: I will one day

Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to

How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:

Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!

How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube

A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

[phone rings]

Me: Hello?

My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!

Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]

Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?

12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.

Someone likes to live life dangerously.

As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.

*a plane missed the runway

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”

it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.

Class: you want us to what

Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.

“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim

After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.

Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.

Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.