Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”

simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”

Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do

if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night

Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?

ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.

HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!

15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!

not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?

judge: how can this be your defense?

me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off

Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day

Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.