Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat

A marinara trench sounds nice tbh

Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?

PSA:

Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.

I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:

What food is rotting in the office kitchen?

I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.

Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”

Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.

Ad: Buy 4, get one free.

Me: I’ll take 10 then.

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*

FINE!!

So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler

The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.

what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys

USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

Church Pugh’s

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]