Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

based al yankovic

“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”

Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it

No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.

My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?

Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.

“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.

911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date

Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman

I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.

fireman: dear god… your face

me: i wasn’t in the building

Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.

When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.

In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.

The Fast and the Furious.

– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

[being chased by a murderer]

Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!

Murderer: *stabs me*