Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOG 911: what’s ur emer-

DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME

DOG 911: can you bite it?

DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”

same vibe as tangled headphones

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!

The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”

“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”

Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

Cop: freeze sucker

Me: it’s called a popsicle

I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation

maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”

John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed

guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here

Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true

Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.