Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?

Fireman: ….

{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]

And here we have yet another breakfast niche

The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank

My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:

‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.

Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready

The same kid right beside me:

Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time

[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?

hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?

ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*