Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

ㅤ

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

…

CIA: They’re*

the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit

When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.

Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out

Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?