Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.

I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems

“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo

I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000

if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.

Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*

Therapist: that’s not how this works

A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?

anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!

Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls

Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.

I am having an out of money experience.

Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*

[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.

My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.

ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ

HER:

ME:

HER:

ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ

HER: You have a problem.

Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.

the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat