Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*

Me: I wish I never had to go outside

Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things

Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked

friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!

My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”

gandalf:

jesus:

gandalf:

jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too

gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff

Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.

Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*

No.

How about now? *handstand*

I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.