Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

Need tips on making something look like an accident.

[at Super Bowl party]

Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK

Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow

Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON

Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.

Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*

Kim Paperhands: No.

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips

Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

A: ink & suction cups

G: Hmmm..

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two

Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.

Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you

A chilling warning for the old people in my village.

IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE

ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)

Who the hell does that in a sock?!?

*squishes out of the room*

Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?

My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.

Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends

Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?

Me: Monday

I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect

When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”

Me: