Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
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“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
get you a girl who
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.