Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.

Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter

Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.

my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included

Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?

The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.

[late to work]

boss: well ??

me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal

[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.

Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.

If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no

Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’

19: ‘What?’

Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark