Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?

ROBHURT: yeh

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard

4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.

sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians

INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it

I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.

Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.

My kids: What’s a telephone cord?

I do things for others…

Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

Getting married soon just need a spouse

I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.

If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.

Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.

BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.

ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”

-person who invented hand dryers

I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy