Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!

me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat

For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.

Me: *ransacks house looking*

*digs in garbage*

*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*

*forms 15 person search party*

*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*

11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.

It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.

He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.

Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something

Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.