Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.

There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work

a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?

Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads

No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.

Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill

friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.

How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:

1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.

I know this now.

Him: Is this a sex thing?

Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.

Music Party with the wee ones

Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.

5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid

My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.

If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

So true for me

My dad could kick ur dads ass!

Um have u seen my dad

Hes a big guy huh?

No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…

People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now