Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friends: Come have a drink with us!

Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.

Friends: C’mon, just one!

Me: Okay, maybe just one…

[ 11 drinks later ]

Me:

Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?

The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.

when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out

I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.

AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.

ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.

(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder

*1 week later

ME: You still want a divorce?

THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING

applying for a new job

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”

[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month

[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened