Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry

toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

A: ink & suction cups

G: Hmmm..

I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

[restaurant]

ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.

Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard

I’m fine

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

You’d better have a great day today

Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck

What do we want?

A CURE FOR PARANOIA

When do we want it?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW

Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.

***TRAVEL NEWS***

A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.

See that girl.

Watch that scene.

Diggin’ the Danson cream.

No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:

1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable

When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.

Waiter: what can I get you?

Me: I’ll have what she’s having

Her: two divorces then please

My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*