Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.

I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.

me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you

dinner ingredients:

Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl

My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.

Husband: Can you ever be serious?

Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.

me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me

stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:

Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.

was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished

until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.

FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

*6yo sneezes*

Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?

6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*

“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called