Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
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Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
You can’t rush stupid.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown