email: CC
my brain: corn cob
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Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Rare photo of two submarines racing
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious