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Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
#winning
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.