*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
