Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate

them: why can’t you just say it’s raining

5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.

[pronounces lasagna like bologna]

The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.

Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.

I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.

Shot pool with my 15yo son.

Taught him a valuable lesson.

You can restart a video game 1000 times.

You can only lose your allowance once.

[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”

her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!

My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

friend: why do u look sad

me: I have wrongdog

friend: what’s wrongdog

me: *big breath in*

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.

The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.

five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…