Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
