Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm![]()
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Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
This pepper has seen some shit
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“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word