Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?

DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

[looking at photo album]

Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy

Son: Why is your hair spiky…

Daughter: …and long in the back?

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”

Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon

Are you ok, human???

I came this close!!!!

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me

I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult

First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though

Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”

Genie:

Me: *typing on laptop*

My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*

Me: Aww. So sweet.

My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*

Me: Or not.

My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.

teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door

One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong