Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
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Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Do not go gentle into that good night,
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back