Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
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very niche meme I made
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”