Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
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Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”