Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture

Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.

Husband: Great! What should we be?

Me: I meant me and the dog.

Husband: Of course you did.

15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.

*puts finger over your lips*

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*

If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials

Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”

I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.

Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries

Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?

Clerk: Trapper Keeper?

Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.

The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood

The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator

Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.

Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.

See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

HER: congratulations on having twins

ME: triplets

HER: but there’s only two of them

ME: shit

My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”