Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

I’ve got two, maybe three, quests left in me, but only if someone carries my horse.

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!

W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox

ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

“Do you want the latest dirt?”

-No, but I appreciate the sediment.

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.

You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.

Him: Tire me out baby.

Me: *feeds him pasta*

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”

Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

Me: I miss the good old days

Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?

M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit

W: I despise you

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

son: *counts to ten*

wife: good job

me: (smugly) eleven

BRAKING NEWS!!

Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?

Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.