Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight

I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.

I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator

Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.

When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide

I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!

Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.

I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.

I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life

dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*

aaaaaaand scene

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.

date: i’m very level-headed

me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended