Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
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-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Mad Max: Furry Road
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high