*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
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HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
no
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
okay run it by me one more time
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms