Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?

“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin

Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”

people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”

Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.

the rocks need my help

My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”

Don’t you want this to be easier for you?

-Gangster – level 3

a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!

ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share

6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”

#mumlife

I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement

boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.