Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?

ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it

When I can’t barge, I careen.

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug

not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven

Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.

“Do you want seconds?”

“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”

Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.

THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high

ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?

Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.

Me: <send>

Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.

My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.

The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.

The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.