Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch

Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”

Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next

I can’t be the only one 😂

i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!

I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.

So sorry

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited

Obama: Joe

Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK

My favorite sport ? Lasagna

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

ME: I’m taking it back.

WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.

ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”

– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit